Looking back, this next statement is certainly arguable, but I have to say I think this was one of the worst semesters I've had at UT. Not only because of the classes, which at the least the bad ones were balanced by some lovely ones, but because of outside circumstances that will affect your performance no matter how you wish it wouldn't.

I once told myself, especially after Eric died, that I wouldn't have any relationships while I was in college. Perhaps I said that back then as a way to deal with the pain, and an attempt to distract myself from all of that with my schoolwork. I realize now that while that was part of the reason, the other reason I decided that sort of thing was because it's smart. At least for me. I know several people that can balance relationships with college just fine. I don't do this well at all.

This semester was a nice reminder of that. For once, I finally told a friend that I Cannot Like that I did, indeed, like him. He took it well, all things considered. I was expecting rejection, really, but finally getting it in reality wasn't terribly fun. Also he began keeping distance from me, which hurt because if anything, I love our friendship. This took a few weeks to get sorted out, during which I was rather depressed.

Here's the fun part. The reason I finally told the friend that I Cannot Like that I liked him was because I felt I needed to be honest to him and get the rejection out of the way. This was because I was beginning to confront feelings from another friend, and I felt that dating one person while liking him AND liking another just...wasn't emotionally faithful. So I was rejected, like I knew I would be, and then went to the other guy with the mindset that I could be fully faithful. And I can be, now, which is good, and I am very glad that he was understanding.

However, I knew the day would probably come when I would eventually start up a relationship with someone. This of course dragged up a lot of emotional baggage left over from Eric's suicide. All of those little insecurities crept back in. All of these years, I have put a good deal of the blame on myself because had I not been so involved with my schoolwork, perhaps I would have been able to see that Eric was suffering more than I thought he was, and I would have been able to help him. It does no good to speculate, but it's something that can't be helped. I am still incredibly involved with my schoolwork, and I fear that I will probably ignore whoever I am in a relationship with because of this. I know now that only time will tell, but for a long time during that semester, I did not.

There were even more complications surrounding the situation, and needless to say, depression piled upon depression to the point that I sort of snapped biologically. I began doing nothing but sleeping. I saw no reason to wake up. What did I have to do? I'd take care of homework, eat, whatever, but then it was back to bed. I slept through classes often. The weekends were the worst. I would sleep the entire day away. I would go to bed at 2am and not wake up until 6pm...only to go back to bed at 7pm once I had eaten something.

I've been coming out of this depression slowly, but I've really been making progress this past week or so. My grades this semester have not been as good as they usually are. To a certain extent, I worry that I may have messed up my MD/PhD chances. Deep down, I think something will work out, but it's natural for me to worry, so there you have it.

I'm still tired a lot, but not to the extent I was. While I would often go home on the weekends to try and perk up, that did not always help either. My mom is still taking her dad's death from cancer in June very hard. Sometimes she gets suicidal herself, or at least talks from a point of depression low enough that I know where she is. I am at least glad that now I feel strong enough that I can go home and be a support and comfort to her again. I know she'll recover too, but taking all of that on at once? Not enjoyable.

So which classes was I taking while all of this was going on? Well, today was the last class day, so I can really give you a nice synopsis at this point. I'll review them in order of how I had them throughout the semester:

Linear Algebra - I liked the professor. He really knew his material, and really knows what he's doing when he gets in class as far as teaching goes. He is incredibly repetitive at times. This can prove to be really boring when you instantly catch onto a concept, but if there was ever a time when you were not quite sure about something, you didn't even have to ask the question. He anticipated many of the questions he would be receiving and dealt with them as he was working problems and made matrices his bitch. Unfortunately, only having two tests in the semester makes them not terribly forgiving. Worst of all, perhaps, was that they were multiple choice, which I tend to abhor once you get past basic math. I scored above the average on my first exam. My second exam occurred right in the middle of all of the emotional mess, so it was crap. I'm hoping to pull a beautiful grade out of nowhere for the final and make it up somehow. At least this is my last math class EVER.

Biochemistry II - Alright, the University of Texas is determined to teach biochem II using the Socratic method. Every professor teaches it this way for some reason. I don't mind the Socratic method at all, and let's face it, biochemistry is naturally an information-packed class. Yes, memorization would be ludicrous to ask of students. I understand that we have tests every two weeks to cut down on the amount of material per test. Fine with me. But if you're going to have a testing method where it is impossible for us to study, then maybe it would be wise to prepare us for this using the lecture time to do something other than essentially read the book while look at pictures from the book. I normally love questions that want you to apply what you know to a new situation. Somehow, he always came up with the most ridiculous questions to ask for exams. You could not prepare for them. Even if you knew all of the material by heart, a lot of the questions seemed open to interpretation. Of course, we never got our tests back from him, so it was particularly hard to argue our point of view with him. Fun fact: The test I scored highest on, receiving a lovely 105 with bonus points? I didn't study for it at all.

Philosophy of Religion - Okay, I took this class for my minor in Catholic Art, but also because I am a religion nerd and wanted to see how Western religion evolved over the centuries. The first half of the course was easy as pie, mostly because I learned everything regarding early Christianity and the early Church Fathers by both converting to Catholicism and being taught in the church's catechism classes, and also by studying all of this in a secular environment in Rome. The second half was what I found most interesting, and I really wish all of the emotional turmoil hadn't led to me sleeping through it so much. The Enlightenment period following the Renaissance was explained via Thomas Hobbes' views, while we studied Nietzsche for contemporary times. In my spare time I plan on going back and reading Hobbes' Leviathan and Nietzsche's Twilight of the Idols and The Antichrist (or The Anti-Christian if you go for the actual interpretation of the German). Interesting stuff. Good, non-biased (he tried, anyway), professor.

Physics II - Electricity and Magnetism - I will say it right now: I do not hate physics. I find it hugely enjoyable when properly explained. Those last two words did not happen with this course. As a matter of fact, after the first day of class, once I saw how his teaching style was going to be, I stopped trying to take notes and instead worked on the daily crossword and sudoku puzzles in the university newspaper. At least I was in class, unlike most people. I have learned next to nothing in this course, which is unfortunate, but I'm at least glad I'm not majoring in it. Otherwise this would have hurt me far more.

Physics II - Electricity and Magnetism Lab - This was much more fun, and I always felt better coming out of lab because I could at least reassure myself that I did indeed have some idea of what was going on when it came to physics. This was the first time that I had a true lab partner, and we only had to turn in one lab report between the two of us. So we arranged it so that we alternated who was doing the lab report each week. That cut down on my weekly homework load a lot, and I enjoyed my weeks off.

Beginner Fencing: Foil - Alright, this was my favorite class of the semester. Any sort of class that relies on a performance in front of an instructor is going to make me nervous, but the coach was amazing. He had a great personality, and really wanted to make good fencers out of all of us. I took to him quite well, and we now have something of a friendship. He really wants me to join UT's fencing club, and the fencing team as well. I think I will. I have received a lot of feedback from coach and the teaching assistants, which have been saying I am one of the best beginning fencers. It would be a fun hobby to pursue. Besides, knowing how to sword fight is always badass, no matter the situation.

In addition to classes, I have kept my job as an organic chemistry grader. Oh, beginning chemist mistakes are hilarious, and generally make one feel better about themselves. I've also taken on a job as a pseudo-computer programmer, translating the paper homeworks of the class to computerized, online versions so that we won't have to spend so many hours grading all of the time. The students do not know I'm programming their homework, and man do they hate it. Not that I blame them. Drawing out a molecule on paper is much easier than on a computer.

Oddly enough, part of what got me out of the depression was rediscovering my love for Tom Shear/Assemblage 23. I started listening to the new tracks that are on his newest CD, Compass, as well as some of his old ones he recently released on vol. 1 and 2 of his Early, Rare, and Unreleased CDs. I bought volume 2 from the online store, and if you're an A23 fan looking to buy something, I would recommend doing so from his store. He happily autographs the CDs if you ask him to do so in the "special instructions" of the shipping form.

Anyway, while listening to the A23 goodness, I came across the song "Black Day", which is a song about someone that gets incredibly depressed and eventually commits suicide. In the song, everyone knew that the person was depressed, but they act surprised and feel sorry for him, even when the person explicitly asked for help at one point. I listened to it many times, and pondered it a bit. In my head, the connection to the poem "Richard Cory" by Edward Arlington Robinson came to mind. I've always felt a special sympathy for the character in the poem, and the song led me to take another look at his character. By the end of the night, I found myself writing a story about Tilbury town, the town where Richard Cory and several of Robinson's other characters live in his poems, from Richard Cory's point of view. I don't know if I'll ever go anywhere with it, and it won't replace my main writing project, but it is fun to work on on the side. The poems I hope to tie together are "Richard Cory", "How Annandale Went Out", and "The Mill". I may add more if I research Robinson's poems beyond those three and find more interesting bits about Tilbury town. I think those three will suffice to make an interesting story. At any rate, I hope the story doesn't turn out to be boring. It isn't the normal sort of thing I'd write, and I am not as familiar with the period of America in the 1890's as I would like to be. It's nice to try something new, though. Maybe I'll post some of it here.

In other news, I bought a subscription to DA for the next year. Perhaps that will give me a guilt complex and make me want to draw more. Not that I don't want to draw more. Let me rephrase: perhaps it will make drawing a higher priority. I've been prioritizing a lot lately. I finally wrote down a list of things to do on the internet on a sticky note and stuck it on my monitor to keep me from cycling through the same sorts of pages over and over like I am prone to doing. It wastes a lot of time that could probably be used to do something.

I'm heading to Canada for Christmas, the day after my last final, the 15th. I'll be gone to the land of snow and ice for two weeks before returning in time for New Years. Hrm, now to email that artsy faculty member and ask him if he'd like to be my mentor for my Catholic Art thesis project. I also need to sign up for the MCAT. >> At least I don't have to take the MCAT AND the GRE for the MD/PhD admissions process.

So I hear it's supposed to snow here tomorrow. WTF, Texas?